Moses Kuria Turns Up the Heat in the Gachagua Grill-Off

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  • Post last modified:October 13, 2023

Trade Cabinet Secretary Moses Kuria, not one to be outdone in the banter department, fired back at Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua with all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop. Kuria, in his usual cheeky fashion, made it clear that as the minister in charge of the private sector, he’s got a sacred duty to bestow wisdom upon businesses, even if it means dabbling in the mystical arts of “truthful voodoo.”

With the air of a modern-day Nostradamus, he prophesied that Kenya’s fuel prices won’t be taking a nosedive anytime soon. According to Kuria, August fuel stocks are scheduled to descend from the heavens in October, and it’s all been certified by the high priests of science. September’s shipments? Those are on a celestial voyage, set to grace us in November, costs included. In other words, brace yourselves for budget-busting fuel prices because, well, science said so.

But wait, there’s more! Kuria decided to throw in some international intrigue for good measure. Apparently, even after November, Kenyans won’t be sipping cheap fuel because the United States will be in the icy grip of winter with stockpiles as vast as the Arctic tundra. And as for those diplomatic dalliances between Saudi Arabia, Russia, China, and India, well, they’ve all decided to trim a few million barrels of crude from the global market just to keep things interesting, and our wallets empty.

Not to be outdone, Deputy President Gachagua, with a touch of exasperation, reminded everyone that yes, global oil prices are playing a wild game, but that doesn’t mean government officials should swagger around like they’ve just discovered the secret to turning water into petrol. In his best “Don’t mess with Kenyans” tone, he assured the masses that the government is aware of their woes and that a few leaders like Kuria with an attitude problem don’t represent the official government stance or the gospel of President William Ruto. Also Read: Ezra Chiloba’s CA Career Takes a Temporary Siesta

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But Moses Kuria, never one to back down from a challenge, had a parting shot for the frustrated Kenyans out there. Feeling the pinch at the pump? Well, why not grab a shovel and start drilling your own oil in your backyard? Problem solved!

Meanwhile, economist David Ndii, who happens to be in the advisory corner for Deputy President Ruto, couldn’t help but throw in his two cents. He lamented that politicians had been telling Kenyans fibs about bringing those fuel prices down and suggested that it was all a grand, fuelish illusion.